The violence is temporary.
With loyalty and love, the abusive partner can change.
Promises that it will "never happen again".
A feeling of obligation and responsibility to keep the family
together.
Victims of domestic violence sometimes attempt to deny or
minimize the violence. She may believe her abuser when he tells her that
his abuse is "her fault."
Many want the violence to end but not necessarily the relationship.
Many people believe their abuser's threats and fear more violence if
they attempt to leave the relationship.
She may fear:
- More severe abuse.
- Retaliation if he finds her.
- Destruction of her belongings or home.
- Harm to her job or reputation.
- Stalking.
- Charging her with a crime.
- Harming children, pets, family or friends.
- Court or police involvement.
At times, women may leave the
relationship. She may return when he begs her to come back, or when she
can not find the resources to live on her own. She may return because she
loves him.
The average battered woman leaves 7 to 8 times before permanently
leaving a relationship. Many times she is caught in the Cycle of Violence.
There are many other reasons women stay in
relationships. Some include:
Economics
- Few job skills.
- Limited education or work experience.
- Limited cash.
- No access to bank account.
- Fear of poverty.
Pressure from community of
faith/family.
- Family expectation to stay in marriage "at any cost".
- Family denial of the violence.
- Family blame her for the violence.
- Religion may disapprove of divorce.
- Religious leader may tell her to "stay and pray".
Guilt/self doubt
- Guilt about failure of the relationship.
- Feelings of personal incompetence.
- Concern about independence.
- Loneliness.
Concern for Children
- Abuser may charge her with 'kidnapping' or sue for custody.
- Abuser may abduct or abuse the children.
- Questions whether she can care for and support children on her own.
- Fears losing custody of her children.
- Believes children need a father.
Lack of community support
- Unaware of services available to battered women.
- Lack of adequate child care.
- Few jobs.
- Negative experiences with service providers.
- Lack of affordable housing.
- Isolated from community services.
- No support from family and friends.
Many women in abusive
relationships ask these questions:
Will it get better?
Studies show that over time, without
intervention, abuse in the home gets more frequent and more violent.
Is it my fault?
No. Abuse is always wrong. In fact, abuse in
the home is a crime. In Alabama, domestic violence has been made a
separate crime under the criminal code. The victim is never to blame.
There is no excuse for domestic violence.
Can I fix it?
No. Only the abuser can stop his violent
behavior. Qualified batterer intervention programs may provide knowledge
and skills to stop his violent behavior, but only the abuser can decide
whether he will use them or not.
Will Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous keep him from
hitting me?
No. While your partner may need treatment for alcohol
or drug abuse, the abusive behavior can continue even if he becomes sober
or stops abusing drugs. It is recommended that an abuser get treated for
his violence in a specialized intervention program, as well as for drug
and alcohol abuse through substance abuse programs.
What can I do?
Take care of yourself by asking for help. Call
Harriet's House at (334) 289-8988, or Alabama's domestic violence crisis line at 1-800-650-6522 for information on how to be
safe. You will be put in touch with the domestic violence
shelter program nearest you. Remember:
No one deserves to be abused.
