Mr. Self Destruct (The Beauty of Being Numb)
By: Mint Shows
OK...so the title is pretty much a NIN ripoff...and the plot I guess was
subconsciously inspired by The Downward Spiral...but anyways...This is something I wrote a
couple days after the hopelssness thing...you can imagine the mood I was in that week.
Rage was the final hint of emotion before the numbness set in. The room became black.
Everything he sensed became nothing. As he stood in the middle of the twenty-second story
office, he watched the world as he knew it slowly rot into an indistinguishable mesh of
hate, anger, and depression. Slowly dilating from the core, inviting him in, was a place
of sweet nothing. He tried to step into this heaven, but something was holding him back.
Suddenly he felt himself being pulled back into the hell he was living in. He could see
out the windows, smell the half day old coffee in the corner, feel the air gently caress
the hair on his head. He began to hear himself repeating "Yes sir" and "No
sir" to his boss towering over him.
"There will be no more times Ned Warner", his
boss said in a threatening tone to him. "I told you that you could either be on time,
or be unemployed. I don't want to see your worthless face in this building again."
Ned looked into the eyes of the filth behind the desk one more time. He glared at his
boss, conveying a coldness that froze the black soul of the creature in front of him to
its rotten core.
With that, his boss sat down in his executive chair, picked up some papers and with a
shaking hand, began to scribble his signature to them.
Ned stormed out of the room. He didn't need any of this he
said to himself, but he knew that was just a lie.
"This can't be happening, not now, not when I need it most." he said as fear and
disbelief slowly crept back into his being.
This job had meant everything to him. Four, maddening
years of college and two years as a bright-eyed and hopeful intern had been wasted in this
one despicable moment. The cruelty of life, becoming all the more real as he walked out of
the building looking at all the blissful people, going about their meaningless daily
"Why did everything have to go wrong?" was all he could say as he walked down
the isles of cramped cubicles towards the elevator. In each of those cubicles sat a dream.
People seemed content with their place in this world. Everyone had their place and nothing
could stop them. Where had he gone wrong?
Reaching the elevator, he stepped inside and selected the
floor he had parked on. Silence filled the air. Such beautiful silence. Opening his mind,
he let it all in. The silence of the elevator filled his mind pushing everything else out.
Finally, the serenity he had hoped for.
The door opened. Stepping out of the elevator he struggled
with all his might to lock the silence in, but the noise kept on seeping. As he lost grip
on the silence he ran. He ran as fast as he could to his car waiting on him. In there was
the silence he craved.
Opening the car door he jumped inside and strapped himself
in. As he sat there he opened his mind to the silence. Within the grips of tranquillity,
he slowly pulled out of his parking space and drove off, hoping never to return again.
The drive home was an incessant struggle between the
serenity of silence and the madness of everything else. His only goal was to reach the
safety of his apartment where everything would be OK. Once there he would confront the
questions he was trying to elude. Maybe then he could stop the madness.
Pulling into the parking lot, he let out a sigh of relief.
Maybe this would be the end. Getting out of his car, he could feel the noise attack. He
ran as fast as he could to the door waiting on him. Stepping inside, he closed the door,
blocking the onslaught made by his predator. He knew the struggle was getting the best of
him. He could almost feel it ripping the sanity away, piece by piece.
Entering into his apartment, he felt as if he had won, but
something wasn't right. What can it be? Everything is OK isn't it? I'm away from the
noise, that is all that matters right? The silence slowly picked at every shred of sanity
Ned's world slowly began to break apart. Hate slowly
overcame any emotion left in his heart. "Why did this happen to me?" he
screamed. "Everything was OK. I had a job, a car, and a great apartment. Why is it
all being taken away?"
In the midst of his rage he saw it again. It's what he'd
been waiting for. His numbness was within reach. Expanding like a balloon about to burst,
he touched it. Sweet white light of security, it's all that matters. Nothing else means
anything. Suddenly he became aware of something, something cold and metallic. "What
is this?" he asked.
Looking at his hands he saw it; His ticket to freedom. The
only way out of the hell he was in. Guided by promising whispers of the numbness he slowly
brought it to his head. He put the gun to his face. "Thank You" was the last
thing he said.
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